i know it doesn't look like much on your computer, but i was a tiny bug on the blade of a grass jungle. i could only hear green and blue chomping my worries away. it was the most beautiful nepal i've ever seen: pokhara at its touristy finest.
i took a trip to west nepal to plow and ignite my mind. im sure the same plowing could have been done in my little room in kathmandu, but why not see west nepal AND dig deep into the mystery of my apathy? apathetic? me? oh yes.
it all started five months ago when i landed in my favorite country completely un-excited. what the hell? if anyone knows me, they know i love nepal and im excited...about almost anything. its probably excruciating for some people, but what can i do? it's me.
christianity annihilated my passion for life by tricking me into being passionate about a cause i cannot justify anymore. and when i escaped from its rusty hands i might have gone a bit overboard trying to live life to the fullest. no cocaine habits, just a voracious hunger to test and try life in all the ways christianity said were evil.
you know those expensive silver balls people put on their desks that hit each other? the balls on the ends go flying until they balance out and go at the same speed? that's my life. i go from one end of the spectrum to the other (intoxicated with each extremity) until i find some type of balance.
i want all of life, all it has to offer. and i thought because i wasn't overzealous, i was "growing up" or loosing trust in myself and in humans. scary. but through a couple of events i started listening to life. i could feel my smile slide back into my heart where it belongs. i realized balance and change are good things that happen to overzealous people. oh and i learned to listen.
two books pushed me through my block with a little encouragement from my favorite friend: my momma. book one: zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. book two (and my all time favorite, read for the second time, in nepal): jitterbug perfume.
i really feel like everything around me is a lesson. to pirate the bible, i must admit some proverbs have definitely stuck that apply well when i look at life without jesus. "be still and know that he is god," i enjoy because i can always shut up and learn from a situation and the people (or objects) in them. but i was so worried about where my passion was going that i stopped learning. so on my trip, i listened and learned that i do trust humans still and myself, first. because if i can't trust myself to make good decisions while gallivanting across nepal alone, who can i trust?
i met a young nepali guy along the way who wanted to help me. only later did i discover that his "help" meant getting in my sheets. but i made all the right decisions and even tried to persuade him to be my friend and stop this nonsensical finagling. he told me i had a small brain, and so do most women, don't take offense. i could have erupted all over him. but i just realized i could learn from this interesting gentleman and his philosophy of women; no need to be angry. we only know what we know and he thinks women have small brains. after i informed him that if i did have a small brain, he'd be invited into my sheets, i left him to think about what i'd learned.
ah, nice to be back on the side of life where learning is passion.